I flow smoothly,
undulating through life.
Although I may have my high and low tides,
I usually stay mellow.
I am known for fluctuating,
due to my uncertainties.
Around the island,
people come to me.
Whether to hang out, have fun, or reflect upon problems,
I will always be here no matter what.
Many who admire my calm horizon,
come to find that I can be full of life.
There are people who stay ashore and are too afraid to swim deeper.
Those are the ones who will only see shallowness,
and quickly judge my ways.
Occasions of rareness comes around when unique people,
risk their lives sailing pass the shallowness and into the deep unknown.
On a search for the treasure box deep down,
no one can get pass the gaurded sharks.
The secrets that lie beneath are great,
yet no one has the first clue.
I am an ocean.
4 comments:
Hey Maddie,
I like your poem, and how it has a specific 'message'
how most people think they know you, but yet they haven't seen everything about you... (and this was what i got from the poem after i read it like 2 or 3 times)
(im not exactly sure how to critique and comment on poems... so just bear with me)
first impression on me: mellow.
... you know how the ocean can be crashing and violent? well you described the qualities of the ocean to fit you (and you are not violent or angry, etc.)
i liked these describing words and phrases
'undulating' (haha smart word, wonder where you got it from tee hee)
'Although I may have my high and low tides'
'fluctuating'
'admire my calm horizon'
'ones who will only see shallowness, and quickly judge my ways.'
how it is phrased is good, it just sounds like it has been broken up into lines by how you want the pauses in there when someone reads it
suggestion time:'around the island, people come to me, whether to hang out, have fun.....' i'm not sure how that part has to do with you being like the ocean.
i also think you could maybe add something to this line? 'There are people who stay ashore and are too afraid to swim deeper.'
are you referring to you personality or inner whatever?? its just a little confusing...
yeah so i hope that's pretty good for my first poem comment :)
Korie
Thank you korie for the comment, it is really going to help me!
Umm..and in
'around the island, people come to me, whether to hang out, have fun.....' I was referring to a beach..like how people around the island goes to the beach and spends time in the ocean... I think i might need help to phrase that or something.
When you say that you don't understand what i mean when i stated 'There are people who stay ashore and are too afraid to swim deeper.'
I was trying to say that there are people who stay to the shallow end like "ashore" and are afraid to go deeper.
I guess in general, im going to have to rephrase things. If anyone has any suggestions to rephrase things, that would help! Thank you!
Good job on your metaphor poem.
The beginnings of your poem are pretty basic. Everyone goes through it, and surely you have gone through ups and downs as well.
The endings of your poem is when the understanding gets a little complex.
Good use of "ocean language."
I like how you were able to relate yourself to the characteristics of the ocean.
For example, when you said: "There are the ones who will only see shallowness, and quickly judge my ways....The secrets that lie beneath are great, yet no one has the first clue."
Here, you were able to relate the people who only stay on the shallow side of the ocean (using ocean language, metaphorically) to the people who think they already know who you are just by your looks, when they don't understand the real person inside of you (in reality).
However, there are a few phrases that I don't understand:
"There are people who stay ashore and are too afraid to swim deeper."
-Does this phrase mean that there are people who are afraid to get to know who you are? Or are scared of you perhaps?
"Occasions of rareness comes around when unique people, risk their lives sailing pass the shallowness and into the deep unknown."
-I can't quite comprehend the meaning of this. Are you trying to say that the people you don't really know, those whom you've just met, try their best to become your friends by getting to know the real you?
"...no one can get pass the guarded sharks."
-Maddie, what do the sharks symbolize?
So, these were just some of the phrases I don't understand. You may want to consider rephrasing them or use different terms in order to send your message out to your reader clearly.
Overall, good poem. From my experience, I can see why you would say the things that you have written in your poem. I should know, I have known you since 8th grade and a lot has happened during the past years. :D
Good luck on your metaphoric video...
Are you planning to go to the beach to film? Psshht, of course, where else would you find the ocean? Man, I'm being unreasonable right now.
Anyway, you just need to make a few tweaks to your poem to make it better.
Hi Maddie,
Great job on your poem. You've considered the many characteristics of the ocean and applied them to your personality. I think the part about people staying on the shore, etc, works well :)
I would recommend revising the "oceans of rareness" line and also watch the error in the word pass-->past.
The treasure chest part is neat, too...
mrs s
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