USC’s speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.
A Close Call
Another day drifts by and yet it seems like every day is the same old routine. I sit there on my desk trying to keep my heavy eyelids from closing itself. Sadly, the chair has already taken in my form from our multiple encounters. It was still early, the clock beside me read 8pm but I could already feel a rush of exhaustion overwhelm me. My red eyes are slowly drooping down to the words that looked like another form of alien language. Two science test, a math exam, and an english essay was due the next day and I can’t fall asleep knowing what needs to be done.
This is how it is at least every week and the stress that comes with it is like a never ending flu that I have caught. After a long day from school, lectures, work, dance, acting in videos, and meetings for various clubs, I still have come home to a load of homework and a messy house. As I continue to study, I can hear the stairs creek. My mom comes downstairs all dressed up and ready for her second job. I can see her reflection on the computer screen staring at me with a disappointed look on her face. I wasn’t in the mood to get into another argument, so I continued on with my work. I already know in the back of my mind, that she is going to tell me to clean up the house because it’s a wreck. Of course, that’s exactly what happened. To my utter dismay, I sigh and slowly rise from the seat that has turned into a memory foam pillow. I straighten up the house with a grumpy expression on my face and as always, she nags me about my attitude. We get into that argument that I was trying to avoid and we both ended our night on a bad note. She storms out of the house and I continue straightening up. I glanced back at the clock to see it display 10pm which makes me even wearier. I slowly drag my feet to the computer and finish studying.
It was now 1am and I can barely keep my eyes open. The paper in front of my face became a blur and I began to doze off. Only thirty minutes passed by when my nap was disturbed by an unknown phone call. It was my uncle. I can hear grief in his voice as he told me that my mom was in the hospital. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. As I continue listening, I can feel my heart sinking. Tears rimmed my eyes and for a split second I couldn’t breathe. I started to imagine not having my mom around anymore, which made me cry even harder. The last time I saw her, there was so much hatred. She is the person who has been there for me through everything, the one who raised me, and the reason why I even exist. My uncle promised he would call me back as soon as he knows more about the situation. I paced around the room for an hour or so until uncle called again. This time he had great news, because my mom was going to be okay. I was so relieved to hear that I was still going to have her in my life.
I understand that my mom has to work two jobs to support me and my two little sisters. She is a woman that has put up with so many things and has been through so much. I have everything that she never had and she tries her best to put a roof over our head. The most I can do is help out. My mom will always be in the back of my head and one of these days, I will repay her for everything she has done for me. We don’t come from a rich family and have the privileges that some most families have. I was raised with not much and that’s why I work so hard. But when it comes down to it, family is all you’ve got. They are the ones that are going to be there for you through thick or thin, rich or poor, and dumb or smart. I am not saying that nothing else is important but I have come to a point in life where I know that everything else doesn’t matter compared to your family. I will always be committed to my education and strive for the best so one day I can support my family.
5 comments:
Hey Maddie,
Thanks for commenting on my essay by the way. (:
So I'm going to repay you now teehee ^^
Well first of all, your essay really showed and not told.While reading your essay, I can really see how stressful it is for you every week. Heck, even without reading the essay, I see how stressed you are. You need to relax Maddie. LOL (; Anyway, back to the essay... I love your use of words. I don't know why, but I really like this line "This is how it is at least every week and the stress that comes with it is like a never ending flu that I have caught." Nice metaphor. I like how you subtly set up the situation with your mom too. I really didn't expect that phone call about your mom towards the end of your essay. Good use of the element of surprise. ;D I really like your conclusion too. From that one paragraph, I can see that you value your family a lot. Niiiice!
However, it would be nicer if you could kind of expand on that situation with your mom instead of just ending it right there with your uncle saying everything was okay. It might be just me, but I feel that part went by a little too fast. Just a little. Maybe you could talk more about the part where you said, "The last time I saw her, there was so much hatred." That's a really strong line. It would be even better if you talked more about that hatred and then talk more about the regret you felt after. It would probably have a good impact on the admissions committee. Hmm, there were some tense shifts as well. In your 2nd paragraph, you say "I glanced back at the clock to see it display 10pm which makes me even wearier." Then you say, "I slowly drag my feet to the computer and finish studying. Notice how the word glanced is in past-tense and drag is in present-tense. There's actually several of them in your essay all together.
Well, that's all I have to say. Good luck on your revision Maddie! (: Don't stress yourself too much and take a break once in a while. ^^ And I hope you get into the college of your dreams too!
-Sharmaine (:
Testing. Testing.
Hey Maddie! I'm just testing this commenting box because it hasn't been working for me. If this does get posted then I'll just post my comment afterwards.
Hello there MADDIEE!!
Anyway, you chose a really good topic for your essay, but you can expand on it a little more. I don't mean "make it longer," but put emphasis and meaning to it.
I can see that you are trying to be descriptive, but try and keep it concise. Don't drain your sentences because they can turn into run-ons.
I'll give you an example:
"This is how it is at least every week and the stress that comes with it is like a never ending flu that I have caught."
-This sentence can work without the added "that I have caught." When you say "never ending flu" it already tells the reader that you "caught" the flu. It's being too redundant if you add "that I have caught."
Some of your sentences don't make sense. Please proof read. Don't just throw in words into your sentences because you will start to lose the meaning.
Remember to show what is happening. Don't tell the reader what is happening. For example: "As I continue to study, I can hear the stairs creek." Instead of saying "I can hear," reword it to: "As I continue to study, the stairs began to creek." Notice how I am not telling the reader that I am hearing something.
Try to relive the moment. Recall what exactly happened when you found out that your mom was in the hospital. I want to hear more of what went on because it seemed like your paragraph just stopped. Try to add in more of your emotions, what you felt. Did you cry, were you hurt, frustrated, confused? What went on in your mind?
Your tenses shift from present to past. For example: straighten, nags, avoid, then glanced.
In your last paragraph, try to move pass cliches. Go beyond that because every mom in the world goes through a lot, tries their best to protect their children, etc. Instead, what does your mom mean to you? Make her stand out. What makes her different from other mothers? What is something special about her? For me, my mom would go to every clothing store just to find that perfect dress that I've always wanted in my entire life. What does your mom do for you?
Conclusion paragraphs should always be memorable because it is the one that readers will want to remember. It ties everything in the story together.
Start your sentences off differently. You use the word "I" a lot. For an easy fix, just take your sentences and reword them. That will add variety. Also, keep in mind what we learned in class about sentence fluency. It will make your essay stronger and it will excite your readers while they read your essay.
Keep in mind what "helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important." When your mom was in the hospital, did you change as a person? Did your attitude improve for the better? Things like that.
Overall, GOOD START!
Hi Maddie,
First off, please give your team until the 12 midnight deadline before you start commenting with another group. I realize you want to get this done, but commenting outside of the group makes things difficult for that group, as well as yours, when the tardy ones post their work. I generally will let the class know when it is "fair game" to go outside of your group. And I also require that team members have made an attempt to contact their group before they go beyond it. What was why I had you guys share cell numbers and such.
Okay, now for the essay. The beginning and most of the body are excellent. Like Sharmaine, I really like the flu metaphor :) It captures your feelings, both physical and emotional and is supported by the details about time and work load, etc.
The details about your interaction with your mom that evening do a great job of showing the relationship (we know she's working a second job, which explains the tension and the guilt that you feel and we know that you, too, are overworked).
Like your classmates, though, I think the ending is a little rushed. You don't need to add in a ton of details but one or two specific "shots" would give the piece more closure. Perhaps a quick description of how she looked in the hospital and then a couple details about what you now do around the house to help out.
Great job!
mrs s
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